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one in this ♥ world
"The river runs and the river hides, Out to the ocean and under the sky, I promise you, the answer will come, Hold on to patience and watch for the sign, Everything in its time; " |
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about this blog
name's esther & 18's the number. i love potatoes to the ends of the earth and soups like nobody's business. & i believe in a
place "where love lasts forever".tagboard
affiliates
A7K1(: G.I.L ♥ (: Alex. Alvin. BingCong. Carole. Cherie. Chuhui. Emily. Dixie. Fiona. Gwen Hakim. Hannah. Hector. Joanna. Jocelyn. Junhui. Lydia. Nigel. Sharon. Ting Valerie. YanKai. happyther(: archives
credits
Design: doughnutcrazyIcon: morphine_kissed Do credit accordingly if you changed the icon. |
ive got this weird feeling again. darn. i don't even know why i went to pay for another hour. i've got nothing to do here. and im like totally cut off from the computer? im not sure what's wrong with me la. im drowning in my self-boredom. almost everyday's the same. "im bored", "argh, i've got nothing to do". okay. im starting to pity myself. i feel like some you're-of-no-use kid man. and frankly speaking, i hate it to know that im like this now. with nothing to do, and just spending each day worthlessly. you look like some piece of shit girl. part of me wanted school to start early, and fast. well, mostly because im almost dying of boredom and im in pure self-pity. but some other kuku part of me doesn't want school to start, as though somethings holding me back and im feeling something. i felt fear in me. what's with fear? i cant even answer that question. i don't know why im bearing fear in me. and i've absolutely no idea what im fearing. BAGA! im sooo in love with Inuyasha. ((: im watching it like, almost everyday? and my sis's jus got two more new volumes from her friend. BEAMS! and please la can. im like watching super fast. im almost finishing one volume/thirteen episodes within TWO DAYS. cool huh. this shows how free i am. yes, and i agree. I AM VERY FREE. sigh. and i hate the fact of it. im too bloody free. that im starting to think im in ISOLATION. RAWWWRR! haha. i don't care whether any normal sixteen-going-on-to-seventeen girl will watch that, but i love it okay. it's NOT a cartoon. it's anime. and i love it okay. and im not CHILDISH. there. thinking of the childish part. im starting to doubt bout my self esteem level. you know. self esteem. the most important thing that makes someone feels confident and good about themselves? and in everything they do? im not so sure when im starting to doubt about my whole self, my whole character and basically just, everything about me. i just felt like my self esteem fell like alot since don't know when. and i've never felt like this before. okay maybe before, but that's like super long time ago when im still growing & yar you know, growing. -.- and without that self esteem, i don't feel comfortable in almost everything. i just somehow feel like, im weird. im not suited to be like the way i am now. hey, what you doing man. yar. i felt all those. and it felt horrible. and i don't know why, i'll naturally think of my mum. stupid. well, probably she always makes me feel comfortable. in just about everything. mums are cool. i must say. im now like stranded here in this pathetic com centre la. know why? cos IT'S RAINING OUTSIDE! man. how am i gonna get home like that. that is the reason why i hate not having my own com at home & not having ANY INTERNET CONNECTION. OR ELSE I WONT BE STRANDED HERE. ALL ALONE. everybody's busy nowadays. ok. i feel that they are. everybody's busy with school. adapting, having fun, getting ready and everything. and im like hanging in the air. with nothing else better to do. i know. i sound pathetic. GREAT. im in self-pity again. URGHH. i want to send all the photos in my phone into the com but bloody man i don't have mms and i've got no cable and the phone dont have any mms features so there's no way i can send any photos and i badly want to put up all the photos into the com. and yes, very badly. wow. that's kinda breathless. lol. i miss you all of a sudden. a letter. i don't know what it'll be. im acting like im perfectly fine. but i think im going to break down all over again.. shiet.  his hair is so messy. (: to correct the previous post with the big yellow bolded words. i think i got into the veterinary technology. the veterinary course! (: i cant believe it myself when calvin told me over the phone that the results of my appeal exercise was " T45 Veterinary Technology". the moment i heard of it, my first reaction was kinda stupid. i was like " .............. HUH? " calvin was like " eh! .. you not happy ar??" silence. calvin : " eh eh. you not happy ar?" me: " no laa.." calvin: " eh eh, don't like that lehh.." me: " .....HUHHH." haha. my reactions were really dumb ok. totally dumb. but i was dumbfounded. and it was isbndshaebkuhckanioeyhcbzi UNBELIEVABLE. the cut-off point for that course was 10 and i got 11. and the intake for that course was only THIRTY. 30 ok. and i have no idea why i got in! but yes, I GOT IN. i got in ok? can it really be that i got in? I DON'T KNOW. this is totally coolness. this is totally God's grace. man. i got in TP'S LEISURE & RESORT MANAGEMENT ! (: i wonder where everyone got into. im feeling REALLY kpoish now. but from what i know for now, almost everyone got into their first choices (: i bet everyone's beaming. ( but i think i'll be beaming for million kuku years if i really got myself into the veterinary mamagement ) BUT still, BEAMMS (: i think Daddy really dote on me alot. and i mean, alot. i mean, who'll get into their first choices so easily, with no tiny need to worry like hell over, "oh man, will i get into it, will i get into it" and die because of an over-dose of worrying. hahaha. exaggerations. but really, i felt the pure blessing that Daddy's pouring over me all these time. to really think about it, my studylife had been really smooth-sailing all these years. be it the i-cant-really-remember PSLE, to the impacting release of the O's results, i've always felt the peace in my heart everytime i hand in over my posting choices. i'll not think bout it, i'll not worry about it and i din even remember it. haha. now coming to think of it, i wonder what'll happen if i really had put my dream veterinary course as first choice and submit my applications. will i get into it? hmmm. thinking. but, i think there's a beautiful purpose/reason why Daddy put that thought, that i'll struggle studying my dream course with 0 knowledge on bio, in my mummy. yes, i indeed have 0 knowledge on bio and i seriously have no kuku idea about it. and im not sure too how much struggles i'll be putting thru trying to grasp the knowledge of something im learning for the first time. but, i thought before. if i really give up on this course that im dying for to take hold on, it'll be like admitting defeat even before you start a war. that's a failure thought.. OH WELL. (: still, i've got into first choice. and im happy with it. (: im not gonna think so much over the diffrent-school issue. i'll not let it become a hindrance or a barrier between us. i'll not let myself tumble. instead of worrying our heads off about what'll happen, the more we should place our trust on each other more, and even deeper. and yes, im holding on tight to that trust i've always have in you. and hon, don't see it as a bad news(: think it nice. maybe it'll make treasuring each other even more a much more important thing to do(: maybe it's a test that we'll have to take to bring us closer. like what jun say, life is about choices. and yes, it's totally up to us and our own choices to what point of view we'll look at this matter. and i choose the positive way. (: when one learnt how to open up his heart, then will happiness flow in. YAY! i love my little space (: im in my beloved little space in the big big office again! and i LOVE this spot. :D somewhere behind the office where i feel completely isloted from everybody and forgotten. but not quite alone. i love the peace can! im doing my own things in my own way, at my own comfortable pace. isn't that nice, especially on a rainy friday. keke. at least i've got my own table and a computer ((: stupid phone. stop ringing! Okay. im now multi-tasking again! (: gotta do the Staff Turnover Chart & Report for 2004 - 2006. and im doing it REALLY SUPER UBER like one ah ma like that. i've been doing for dunno how many hours already. ok. well, the reason is really simple. because, im not concentrating! you guessed it? bingo :D im typing my post, drinking my milk tea(: , eating fries ((: & watching inuyasha on you-tube! ((((: HAHA. not bad huh you esther tay. hey. i somewhat sound like those cheaty employee eh? do all these stuffs during work . HMMM. sheesh. ______ the above was written on 2/03/07. din have time to post finish it la. ( and im still doing my report. Herhs?) im eating APPLES now (((: for lunch. I din know apples taste sooo good can. LOL. It’s really sweet, love it! And YAY. I cut my own apples for the very first time ok. Not that pretty, but hey, it’s not that UGLY tooo. Jus that… most of the apples’ flesh was being cut actually, am I really feeling joy now..? or rather, am i trying to push all the unhappiness out of me and pretend to be happy, so that I can make myself happy.. in pretence? that’s confusing. I found myself crying to sleep last night. I don’t know. I was holding on to my tears and literally hugging the pillow so tightly over my head to stop myself from tearing, but the moment I opened my mouth to pray, I found myself bursting out crying.. I broke down, finally. I just cried and cried. Somehow, the tears just kept flowing. My mind was in a whirl. And the moment every sad thoughts appeared, I cant help myself but just cry. I felt stupid and useless. Like, why are you crying again? Stupid. Why you held on to your tears just now? Why din’t you cry out loud just now? Why wait until you’re alone and feeling alone and be so stubbornly strong when you know you’re not and stupishly cry out so hard now? Why showed that you’re bloody okay with everything when you’re not? Why be strong? You think you very strong isit? You think you can carry it, hold on to it, cry onto it and then think that it’ll somehow run off/vanish/teleport/get rid of itself to help you make things better cos it thought that it is a burden to you and that by getting rid of itself by running away will make you happier and make things lighter somehow but actually it’s running in circles in your heart and hiding somewhr to think that yay, I’ve gotten rid of myself, now she’ll be happier finally but it’s so bloody wrong because it’s still found again by you.. okay. I’ve no helly idea what im trying to express. I hate my way of expression! Stupid. But I know that’s called self-denial. Zi qi qi ren. You’re in deep pit shit self-denial, young lady! … crying is the only way I expressed myself when im sad/hurt/lost/bloody hopeless/heartbroken/hell angry/disappointed/cheated/abandoned/alone/pure depression. That’s me. I cry for almost everything that has got to do with the matter of the heart. I don’t talk, I don’t stone, I don’t scream/shout/sort out myself/self-explain for what I did/go to anybody and show my sadness/confide/comfort myself when I’m in a mess or that I’ve already found myself drowning in the sea of emotions and feelings and there’s no choice but to continue knowing that I’m gonna sink in in my own emotions and sadness soon.. all I do is just cry. I’ll cry my heart out. That’s me. I’ll cry until my eyes are red and sore. That’s me. I’ll cry and bite my hand to muffle the sound of my crying. That’s me. I’ll cry and hope for deeply inside me that someone will just catch me and hug me tight, to assure me that everything’s going to end. That’ me. I cry because that’s me. So don’t ask me to stop crying if you know that I’m in real pain and bloody sinking deep in my sorrows and yet, don’t know how to survive in all my struggling to keep breathing. Don’t ask me to stop crying if you can see from my eyes that all I wanted to do for that moment is to just cry my heart out. Is it okay if I am me and be just me for that moment?.. I am who I am. Are you liking the who that is in me? Sometimes, a little word of kindness & niceness can do great & marvelous to the heart. I think I was in depression last night. I looked at the phone after lying down on bed. And the moment I saw the time shown on the handphone screen and counting the no. of hours left for me to sleep, I cried to myself saying, “ I’ve only got four hours to sleep”, covered myself with my pillow and I cried. I cried. Because I’ve left four more hours to sleep. I cried because I won’t have enough time to sleep. There, that’s me when im in depression. I think it’s quite bad.. I can even cry over minor things like slipping on the floor, and once I fell over nicki’s gate and kinda pierce myself when im in depression. And I cried.. sorry that’s me. If a crybaby is not your cup of tea, sorry, im not for you. Actually, i don’t call myself a crybaby. I mean, that’s how I express myself. Is that wrong? Okay. I’ve nv thot I’ll write so much out about my feelings. I know I suck in expressing myself and yes, I admit ok. reading jun’s posts everytime gives me a tingle of inspiration. Her posts are filled with deep & chimy knowledge and down-right facts. And I love the way she expresses herself with words. Somehow, she has a hand in it. And I guess that’s what so beautiful bout her that I don’t usually see in my other friends. (: that’ a compliment ok (: Now im really thinking hard, how far will this go? How far more will this end up being a given up thing? How deep are efforts going to be put thru to solve everything? How I wish I can tell myself one day, “ haw.. finally. We’ve done it. We’ve done it. “ I don’t know what am I expecting out of my relationship. But I know trust plays a really great and super uber big part of a lasting relationship. And I believe that once a couple realises this important key and with all they had to preserve and hold on tight to it, nothing can hinder this two persons who’s not brought together by chance but by something called destiny & fate. That’s how powerful this little thing called trust can do. A little something that can do marvelous miracles. That’s what I meant. Trust is definitely not something you can pick up from just any rubbish streets you walk past ok. trust takes time to build up. Like how much time and patience you need to brew one oh-so-horrible-and-I-die-oso-won-drink medical soup. The progress is tough and long but what you get in the end is good stuff you’ve always yearn to get hold on ok. and I’ve always believe that trust can do miraculous things. That’s why I placed so much trust on the people around me, especially those I love. I trust them, simply because of one reason, because I love them. I don’t want to grasp on to a suspicious-filled heart and look at those I loved at a suspicious point of view. It hurts them to know they’re not trusted by their loved ones and worse, it tires me out too. It’s like if you don’t trust your friend in everything he or she does, and you insist on looking at him/her in your suspicious point of view, naturally things between you and your friend won’t be able to get along for long because he/she feels distrusted by his/her own best friends. And if that is so, he/she will naturally feel that there’s no point of being friends anymore if is that even what they thought to be their closest and bestest friends doesn’t event want to take that first step out to trust friends whom they’ve acknowledged to be their bested buds? To know that someone whom you’ve thot to be so close to, not trusting you all this while, is a sad thing. It makes that relationship you share with that somebody else to be incomplete. Kong xu. The invisible emptiness… Oh man. I’ve no idea what im trying to say over here. Im thinking so many bloody things la! Now my face looked like some vain girl who loves red cheeks so much that she put soo much blusher all the way from the cheeks to her neck. DIAO. LOL. My face is so burnt la. I tried putting powder to cover up the so-obviously-red cheeks can. To say it in a nice way is that I have healthy cheeks on the outside but to say it in a not so nice way is to say that I have burnt cell cheeks, which is not good at all! AH. I bet those ppl who don’t know that those are burnt cheeks must be thinking that, “ ee. This girl so super vain sia. Must put blusher until so much meh. Like clown already lor. “ MY GOD. NOOO. LOL. Lucky my face aren’t that painful from all the burns already. Now is my backs and shoulders. OWW. i cant wait for work to end ((((: i wanna stay happy. will you be the one to make me happy?... |
