 |
|
one in this ♥ world
"The river runs and the river hides, Out to the ocean and under the sky, I promise you, the answer will come, Hold on to patience and watch for the sign, Everything in its time; " |
|
about this blog
name's esther & 18's the number. i love potatoes to the ends of the earth and soups like nobody's business. & i believe in a
place "where love lasts forever".tagboard
affiliates
A7K1(: G.I.L ♥ (: Alex. Alvin. BingCong. Carole. Cherie. Chuhui. Emily. Dixie. Fiona. Gwen Hakim. Hannah. Hector. Joanna. Jocelyn. Junhui. Lydia. Nigel. Sharon. Ting Valerie. YanKai. happyther(: archives
credits
Design: doughnutcrazyIcon: morphine_kissed Do credit accordingly if you changed the icon. |
YAY! i love my little space (: im in my beloved little space in the big big office again! and i LOVE this spot. :D somewhere behind the office where i feel completely isloted from everybody and forgotten. but not quite alone. i love the peace can! im doing my own things in my own way, at my own comfortable pace. isn't that nice, especially on a rainy friday. keke. at least i've got my own table and a computer ((: stupid phone. stop ringing! Okay. im now multi-tasking again! (: gotta do the Staff Turnover Chart & Report for 2004 - 2006. and im doing it REALLY SUPER UBER like one ah ma like that. i've been doing for dunno how many hours already. ok. well, the reason is really simple. because, im not concentrating! you guessed it? bingo :D im typing my post, drinking my milk tea(: , eating fries ((: & watching inuyasha on you-tube! ((((: HAHA. not bad huh you esther tay. hey. i somewhat sound like those cheaty employee eh? do all these stuffs during work . HMMM. sheesh. ______ the above was written on 2/03/07. din have time to post finish it la. ( and im still doing my report. Herhs?) im eating APPLES now (((: for lunch. I din know apples taste sooo good can. LOL. It’s really sweet, love it! And YAY. I cut my own apples for the very first time ok. Not that pretty, but hey, it’s not that UGLY tooo. Jus that… most of the apples’ flesh was being cut actually, am I really feeling joy now..? or rather, am i trying to push all the unhappiness out of me and pretend to be happy, so that I can make myself happy.. in pretence? that’s confusing. I found myself crying to sleep last night. I don’t know. I was holding on to my tears and literally hugging the pillow so tightly over my head to stop myself from tearing, but the moment I opened my mouth to pray, I found myself bursting out crying.. I broke down, finally. I just cried and cried. Somehow, the tears just kept flowing. My mind was in a whirl. And the moment every sad thoughts appeared, I cant help myself but just cry. I felt stupid and useless. Like, why are you crying again? Stupid. Why you held on to your tears just now? Why din’t you cry out loud just now? Why wait until you’re alone and feeling alone and be so stubbornly strong when you know you’re not and stupishly cry out so hard now? Why showed that you’re bloody okay with everything when you’re not? Why be strong? You think you very strong isit? You think you can carry it, hold on to it, cry onto it and then think that it’ll somehow run off/vanish/teleport/get rid of itself to help you make things better cos it thought that it is a burden to you and that by getting rid of itself by running away will make you happier and make things lighter somehow but actually it’s running in circles in your heart and hiding somewhr to think that yay, I’ve gotten rid of myself, now she’ll be happier finally but it’s so bloody wrong because it’s still found again by you.. okay. I’ve no helly idea what im trying to express. I hate my way of expression! Stupid. But I know that’s called self-denial. Zi qi qi ren. You’re in deep pit shit self-denial, young lady! … crying is the only way I expressed myself when im sad/hurt/lost/bloody hopeless/heartbroken/hell angry/disappointed/cheated/abandoned/alone/pure depression. That’s me. I cry for almost everything that has got to do with the matter of the heart. I don’t talk, I don’t stone, I don’t scream/shout/sort out myself/self-explain for what I did/go to anybody and show my sadness/confide/comfort myself when I’m in a mess or that I’ve already found myself drowning in the sea of emotions and feelings and there’s no choice but to continue knowing that I’m gonna sink in in my own emotions and sadness soon.. all I do is just cry. I’ll cry my heart out. That’s me. I’ll cry until my eyes are red and sore. That’s me. I’ll cry and bite my hand to muffle the sound of my crying. That’s me. I’ll cry and hope for deeply inside me that someone will just catch me and hug me tight, to assure me that everything’s going to end. That’ me. I cry because that’s me. So don’t ask me to stop crying if you know that I’m in real pain and bloody sinking deep in my sorrows and yet, don’t know how to survive in all my struggling to keep breathing. Don’t ask me to stop crying if you can see from my eyes that all I wanted to do for that moment is to just cry my heart out. Is it okay if I am me and be just me for that moment?.. I am who I am. Are you liking the who that is in me? Sometimes, a little word of kindness & niceness can do great & marvelous to the heart. I think I was in depression last night. I looked at the phone after lying down on bed. And the moment I saw the time shown on the handphone screen and counting the no. of hours left for me to sleep, I cried to myself saying, “ I’ve only got four hours to sleep”, covered myself with my pillow and I cried. I cried. Because I’ve left four more hours to sleep. I cried because I won’t have enough time to sleep. There, that’s me when im in depression. I think it’s quite bad.. I can even cry over minor things like slipping on the floor, and once I fell over nicki’s gate and kinda pierce myself when im in depression. And I cried.. sorry that’s me. If a crybaby is not your cup of tea, sorry, im not for you. Actually, i don’t call myself a crybaby. I mean, that’s how I express myself. Is that wrong? Okay. I’ve nv thot I’ll write so much out about my feelings. I know I suck in expressing myself and yes, I admit ok. reading jun’s posts everytime gives me a tingle of inspiration. Her posts are filled with deep & chimy knowledge and down-right facts. And I love the way she expresses herself with words. Somehow, she has a hand in it. And I guess that’s what so beautiful bout her that I don’t usually see in my other friends. (: that’ a compliment ok (: Now im really thinking hard, how far will this go? How far more will this end up being a given up thing? How deep are efforts going to be put thru to solve everything? How I wish I can tell myself one day, “ haw.. finally. We’ve done it. We’ve done it. “ I don’t know what am I expecting out of my relationship. But I know trust plays a really great and super uber big part of a lasting relationship. And I believe that once a couple realises this important key and with all they had to preserve and hold on tight to it, nothing can hinder this two persons who’s not brought together by chance but by something called destiny & fate. That’s how powerful this little thing called trust can do. A little something that can do marvelous miracles. That’s what I meant. Trust is definitely not something you can pick up from just any rubbish streets you walk past ok. trust takes time to build up. Like how much time and patience you need to brew one oh-so-horrible-and-I-die-oso-won-drink medical soup. The progress is tough and long but what you get in the end is good stuff you’ve always yearn to get hold on ok. and I’ve always believe that trust can do miraculous things. That’s why I placed so much trust on the people around me, especially those I love. I trust them, simply because of one reason, because I love them. I don’t want to grasp on to a suspicious-filled heart and look at those I loved at a suspicious point of view. It hurts them to know they’re not trusted by their loved ones and worse, it tires me out too. It’s like if you don’t trust your friend in everything he or she does, and you insist on looking at him/her in your suspicious point of view, naturally things between you and your friend won’t be able to get along for long because he/she feels distrusted by his/her own best friends. And if that is so, he/she will naturally feel that there’s no point of being friends anymore if is that even what they thought to be their closest and bestest friends doesn’t event want to take that first step out to trust friends whom they’ve acknowledged to be their bested buds? To know that someone whom you’ve thot to be so close to, not trusting you all this while, is a sad thing. It makes that relationship you share with that somebody else to be incomplete. Kong xu. The invisible emptiness… Oh man. I’ve no idea what im trying to say over here. Im thinking so many bloody things la! Now my face looked like some vain girl who loves red cheeks so much that she put soo much blusher all the way from the cheeks to her neck. DIAO. LOL. My face is so burnt la. I tried putting powder to cover up the so-obviously-red cheeks can. To say it in a nice way is that I have healthy cheeks on the outside but to say it in a not so nice way is to say that I have burnt cell cheeks, which is not good at all! AH. I bet those ppl who don’t know that those are burnt cheeks must be thinking that, “ ee. This girl so super vain sia. Must put blusher until so much meh. Like clown already lor. “ MY GOD. NOOO. LOL. Lucky my face aren’t that painful from all the burns already. Now is my backs and shoulders. OWW. i cant wait for work to end ((((: i wanna stay happy. will you be the one to make me happy?... |
